that i don't pray specifically. and given that i don't pray specifically, it ends up like some homogenous slop of good-will. kind of like thinking in colors. (which obviously makes it hard to be fervent or even necessarily sincere.)
and i realized the reason i don't pray specifically is because it is such a big responsibility, to know what to ask God for. and what if i get it wrong? and how do you pray with faith when you believe that his yes's are just as important as his no's and wait's? i feel like i always preface things with "well, if you want to, but i understand if you don't, but please would you..?" and is it a safeguard for me, if things don't go like i so desperately want them to, or is it out of reverence? (or worse, is it laziness, not bothering to figure out what i should pray for?) either way, i would like to be able to pray like i mean it.
2 weeks ago